The Current Mental Musings

Well, you would think, with the lack of TV watching... that I would have all the time in the world to post here. I have no idea where the time has gone, but I have seemed to have accomplished a lot, just not online.

I am up so early because I WAS going to do my 10 mile run this morning with my running buddy, but she wimped out because of all the wind. It is sustained at 23 mph, with gusts to 29mph. I get how hard that sounds, but a part of me thinks, if we can't do it in training... what the heck are we going to do if the race turns out the same way? Seriously people! Ok, so I am kinda harsh. It is early, so I am a little grumpy!

Now for some of the internal mental stuff. Earlier this week, I was looking for some pictures that a friend requested. I am not the best at organizing my pictures, so I pretty much had to look through EVERYTHING on my computer to find the pictures. Well, wow, not even sure how to say it all. In those pictures were WAY too many before pictures. (No after pictures mind you.) And they all look basically the same. I did not even remember taking most of them. It was like seeing all my failure and my lack of promise keeping to myself, all in painful color. Some from 2004, some from 2006, some from 2008, and even one from this year. Wow. I could see that I would get to a certain weight (right around 160) and 'decide' this is it... I have to do something... but then, there I am, 2 years later, at the VERY SAME PLACE!

Then, while I am mulling over that horror, a friend comes over and tells me that she is engaged. About freaking time! So we pull out the pictures of my wedding and the wedding video and there is my mom, 50+ lbs overweight, hiding from the camera and just being REALLY annoying about it, all caught on video! I thought, OH CRAP! I am exactly where she was at my age... and that is how she ended up! I barely remember my wedding day, but I vividly remember how blasted annoying she was about taking pictures. Does that tell you anything? Sure did me!

So, I have basically been meditating on all of this for the past week. Where am I, where do I want to go, will I actually do it? On top of it all, I have been thinking of the last time I was super fit like I want to be, and how, after I had accomplished that goal, I thought about how terribly hard it was to get there, how hard I worked and how much I had to sacrifice to get there. My exact thought was "I will NEVER have to do this again, it feels too good to be HERE!" Well crap again.

I was really looking forward to my run this am so that I could process some of this. Guess the processing will just have to wait till tomorrow after church. It is all just so much.

I have also been thinking about how I wished I had an 'event' to workout for. I always seem more motivated when I have an 'event' to look good for. Then I remembered those pictures and thought, what about life? Can I not look good for freaking LIFE? Seriously JRo? Isn't that what you spend days and nights wallowing in self pity over? Sheesh, take life and live it! Right? Is that not what my Creator put me here for? Ugh, alright already!

Ok, now I guess I will go back to bed and toss and turn, since my running buddy wimped out on me. I am so going to give it to her when we run together on Sunday!

PS
There is SO much more that has been going on in my head, but I had to stop somewhere, right?