My running buddy and I ran 9 miles on Sunday, it was NOT fun. Somehow, it is easier to get it over with first thing in the morning, even if I have no fuel in my body! My poor legs were hamburger meat! In the last mile, Favi (my running buddy) was saying, "Think thin thighs!". I was thinking, "strong, fit, healthy momma!" THAT should show me how far I have come on the mental stuff already! Wahoo! Next week really is 10 miles. I apparently jumped ahead in our running plan. Imagine that.
I have been struggling for YEARS to regain the focus I once had for fitness 7 years ago. I think I finally have found it. Really. I remember back then that my goals were always forefront in my mind. All my decisions were made based on how it would get me to those goals. This week has been the first time that has really been the case. Sure, I thought about goals and started getting close... but it is not the same as the all consuming, meditative, thought on my goals. That is what I am talking about now! For instance, while working at lunch (I work basically everyday during the lunch to nap hours at a daycare) I was feeding the kids Ritz crackers. I am always hungry there (I have yet to figure out my eating schedule since I started working). Oh, those crackers were screaming at me in ALL CAPS! But nope, I thought, this is not going to get me to where I want to be, so I will just wait 30 more minutes and eat some healthy, delicious BFL enchiladas at home! Not that a cracker is all bad, but the Enchiladas were what my body really needed!
Seeing all those 'failed' attempts has put a lot of things into perspective. I just HAVE to get to my after photo, and make it stick. I must. I will. Kind of like why I started this blog in the first place... to finally finish a half marathon. Why it took me 7+ years to get to that goal, I hope to dig out of me! Oh yea, for the same reason I named the blog, Brave in the Attempt! Because I fear the gut wrenching disappointment of failure so much, that I purposefully quit, because somehow that is better than failing when I try? Who taught me that misguided thought?
The beauty of finally getting this far in my half training, and really being bored with it and wanting to quit, is that I KNOW I will finish. I have changed my mind into a new more powerful, determined force. Even while I am running, being bored out of my mind after the first 6 miles, I think, "Ah, but I will do this. I promised myself and this is the promise I am keeping. I want this more than I want to not be bored! I do not want to stop, I will do it!" Again, such a change. Could I really be making a turn? Ohh, must not get too excited and call attention to myself! (haha, another one of my issues, but lets just work on one at a time, alright!?!)
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