The Last Two Weeks, God, Style...

So... I started the challenge and got off to a great start. Was stoked that I would be going to my mom's so I could use 'real' weight and not be constrained to just body weight exercises and the bands, which have a high occurrence of making me look like a fool when they slap me in the back of the head if I do not secure them just right. And then, reality hit...

I am amazed at how many things I can block from my memory. Please do not misunderstand me, I believe my parents did a good job, and absolutely did the best they could, and I KNOW they love us... but they still have their issues. And boy howdy do they. You see, my dad yells a lot. All the time, he yells. When he is mad, hungry, frustrated, tired. Just like a two year old, he throws his little fits. Now my mom... she had a dad that would yell too, but then, he would beat them. I believe that she got the brunt of it all because she was little (she is still only 5 foot 3) and once everyone else cleared the room, she was what was left. So, can you see the little dynamic that is now set up? My poor dad must not realize all this, because he just goes along throwing fits, while my mother literally melts right in front of him. He is a sweet loving man, that is apparently BLIND! So, this is the crap I got to watch all 10 days I was there. I had forgotten how bad it was. This is part of why she is SO scatterbrained. How can you have your crap together when you are always 'waiting' for the next beating? (My dad has NEVER hit one of us like that... she is just subconsciously waiting for the beating to begin, because that is how it always was when she was little, you see?) There is so much more than that, but that is enough of the iceberg for now.

So, yeah, issues. Stupid, right? The yelling never really affected me. I am so like him, that I just got that he had his panties in a wad and had no better way of expressing it. Sure, sometimes it really got to me. Once I totally had a nosebleed in my calculus homework, but I am pretty uptight, so it did not take much for my hyper teen hormones to flip out! But this last visit, I realized how much my mom's inability to keep it together when he threw fits, molded me. How weird that the yelling was not an issue, but a mother that disintegrates at the least thought (oh, and HARPS on the possibility) of a 'stress relieving' session, would shape me! No wonder I get so pissed when I cannot keep my crap together! NO WONDER. (Are YOU tired yet? I am) Poor thing, she had no role model, so she did the best she could. Now, I need to acknowledge that, and somehow, in the middle of my own meltdown mode, realize that I am a big girl, and I CAN handle it. I can, sheesh! This stuff (life in general) is NOT that hard!

So, while I was at my parent's house, I pretty much ate, and escaped. I just had to survive. I don't think that I would have realized all of this if I had not been in the place I am with my walk with God. I am thankful for that.

Also, while I was there, I did a lot of visiting of family and other things that totally freak me out. (I am SO not a people person. Call me Recluse) As a result, I did not take the time out I needed to be with my God while I was there, and I suffered for it. When I got back home, I was so ready to get back into my 6am meetings with Him, and then I got sick, and OH how much pain I have been in when I wake up. And by nap time, I am just DONE. I can barely watch TV let alone dig into the Bible.

BUT, this morning, I was able to get back to it. Glad I did. I have had a lot of things floating around in my head that seemed to have started to assimilate into rational thought while I was reading I Corinthians 10. Odd chapter, but God knows I like things a little random, so He works with me! haha!

So, onto Style. Laura keeps telling me that I need to BE who I am. She is backed up with God on that one, so I guess I will listen to her. I have been thinking, and praying, a lot about that. What words would I use to describe myself, if I was using nice words. (You so know I am still using all kinds of unflattering terms for myself, and I am working on it) I can't seem to come up with anything that has substance. You know, like pretty blue eyes is not WHO I am. So, last night, I was praying, while surfing one of my favorite blogs. I know, hang with me here! This woman is simple, loves God, and loves her family. The things that matter to her most, are her family, and God. Those are the only things she invests her time into. Sure she invests in others, she does have a blog out there... but the bulk of her time and devotion, goes to her family and God. Then it hit me. That is all I have ever really wanted to be. I want people to look at me and KNOW that I love God, and my family. That is it. Nothing else do I need them to think about me. That is what I want people to describe me as. In fact, the best word I can think of, would be 'Wholesome". My Sweet Love described me as that in a love letter once. I know some people would be even offended by that, but for me, that completed my heart, and warmed me from deep in my soul, all the way to my toes. Wholesome. That is who I am. I am SO cool with that!

So what does that have to do with style? Well, lets see. I am athletic, and pretty much a tomboy, with some longings of a giryl girl, deep down in there. Where does that leave me, all scrambled for sure! Since I am pretty heavy up top, I have a hard time keeping it all covered up. And when I do get the girls all wrapped up, then it is HOT (this is Texas) and mostly unattractive! (As in I feel like I either look like a hussy, or a fatty... which would you pick?) So athletic wear seems to be for the less gifted, so that one is out. Tomboy, well I am not into other women, and I always get approached by other women when I am dressed in tomboy kind of stuff. So that is out. Now girly girl, we run into the 'girls' again, and honestly, it is just WAY too much fuss for me anyway. So that is out. So I am left with sloppy, huge t shirts and jeans. With my new mom body (re: jelly belly roll thingy) jeans are not fitting quite right either. Humph. Sometimes I just wish I could slap on a tank top, mid length peasant or plain hippie skirt, maybe a colorful apron, tie my long hair loosely behind my neck, and be done with it. Wait, would that work? I don't know... Maybe I should try.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. I am tired since The Boy woke me up at 5am. Poor thing, I feel his pain. I can hear him now rustling around, so I guess I need to get my coffee drunk and get ready to greet my family!

I promise to post about meeting with some people at my mom's house and how God has prepared me for it, and what I cannot stop pretending like He is telling me to do! Just not today, ok?