Today was just a long hard day. Lord Farquaad (The Boy) was at his height of whiny tired and oh so needy. Crawled all over me, and I am one that NEEDS her 10 foot bubble. And it was just one of those unexplainable woman emotional days. You know the kind of day, where nothing is 'wrong' but there sure ain't nothing right either! I felt on the verge of tears all day, and I do NOT cry. Also, I was really frustrated food wise. All I wanted was the crap I was feeding my kid. Know that I am not planning on feeding him much crap for much longer, but I feel like I gotta get it figured out for myself before I start weening my family off their favorite crap foods. I need to be the example. That Proverbs 31 wife I so desperately want to become. Anyway, everywhere I looked I could not see anything I 'could' eat. Of course there is a bounty at my feet, but I am not looking there. I am looking across the fence! I did fine, stayed on target, but I sure did whine about it.
Then, my Sweet Love, took us to the mall since he got home early. We even went to Wendy's on the way. (I got a Mandarin Chicken Salad by the way!) I went into two stores because they are all having MASSIVE sales. Humph. I am SICK & TIRED of feeling FAT. Size 8, almost 6, should NOT feel fat! Right? I mean, for real people! But every time I try on clothes, I see my pasty self all fluffy and oh so freaking top heavy in EVERYTHING. Drives me batty and makes me want to cry on a good day. Can you imagine on a bad day like today? I have cried. I have worked so hard all year long. Sure I have been off here and there, but for the vast majority, and certainly more than any other year previously, I have worked really hard. I don't get it. Here I am, a year later, and I am still about the same weight. I am a size smaller.. but I was barely into that bigger size to begin with. My top half is still ginormous. Guess there is nothing I can do about that. Silly me wished so hard for them when I was younger, little did I know how hard it would be to dress them.
Anyway, I am just tired of fighting so hard everyday to reclaim health and 'youth' (that is my own age youth, not my teen years back!) and to barely gain two steps ALL year. Of course, I must remember that I did make one HUGE goal. I did make the half marathon.. but I want more. I want beautiful clothes. I want to be that HOT mom I always dreamed I would be. I want to be that kind, desirable wife I think my Sweet Love deserves. Where is she? Why can't I find her? Why is she trapped under 20 lbs of weight? STILL.
Ok, I am off to drink a glass of wine. *gasp* I know, the Baptist is drinking a glass of wine... forgive me, I need to calm the frick down. Oh, and it is in my 'diet' plan... so I am not cheating! haha!
3 comments:
I know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes it gets to where you just wanna throw in the towel.. we all have those days... but we know that if we did we would feel bad and be 50lbs over our goal weight instead of only 20lbs :)
keep at it.. you will get there some day :) its just a matter of time :)
I am looking at adding in more days of cardio after this half is over..I looked back on my blog when I was at 128 and that's what I was doing .. cardio even days I lifted...
hang in there! :)
Well I am all for any eating plan that allows a glass of wine!! You know, it's not so much as learning to love ourselves (personally I don't think that is biblical...we are already pretty selfish and love ourselves quite a bit) but loving the person that GOD has created. You are working hard to treat your body as a temple and biblically speaking, THAT is pleasing to Him! Your body is already feeling better from the choices you are making and you have hit an AWESOME goal this year!! I mean, to run a half is incredible! Don't let any ol' feelings take anything away from that VICTORY!!! Girl you rock!! You'd kick my butt in the workout department any day!!
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you think if you lose the 20lbs you will be happy with yourself? My mom does the same thing. She is a personal trainer now. She looks AMAZING. She is super woman she can do absolutely anything she sets her mind too. But she doesn't see it.
I struggle with my own issues too, we all do. But I really think you need to find some comfort in who you are. You are amazing! You are a size 6/8 do you hear that! That is almost impossible for most women over 19. You are attempting to eat healthy and better yourself more than you have been. You are fit enough to run not only a half marathon, but at all!
I guess I had to find my clothes dilemma earlier than you did. I had my breakdown of crying and sadness when I was 12 and couldn't fit into the juniors sizes. Even if 95% of the clothes in the womens section are old and fuddy duddy you can eventually pick out some things you like. I think you need to go to Old Navy. I <3 that store.
Everyone else thinks you are way more amazing and beautiful than you would even consider for yourself.
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