Wednesday, January 7, 2009

He will only love you if you are skinny...

That is my inner critic.

Since I have been actively conscious of my thoughts, I have discovered some things. I always knew I had some serious body image issues, but since I don't have any eating or exercise disorders, I figured I was pretty much normal. Guess not.

Yesterday I caught the last part of The Biggest Loser (spelled it right for you Laura! hehe), the part were they had to vote one of each color to go home for 30 days. The older couple intrigued me. There they are, round and rolly, and the intense love that was between them was captivating. Somehow I never really believe that Sweet Love will still want me whenI am old and wrinkled. Not sure how I came to that conclusion. That is why the stretch marks bother me SO much. Why they almost consume me. Because no matter how thin I get, they will still be there. The vast imperfection that I cannot, ever, improve, let alone fix. All this did not even hit me until I was in the shower, washing away 4 miles of sweat. I was trying so hard not to be hurtful to myself over the stretch marks, when the epiphany happened. Why do I care so much about them? Why do I cry over them, and not want to birth any more babies because of them (that is not the only reason, but it is a big one)? Because he won't love me anymore... that is why. Wow. Puts me in tears right now. How can I think so little of my Sweet Love? How can I belittle myself so much? I really think I am only worth the body fat percentage? Really? Yep. I apparently do.

When I got out of the shower I told Sweet Love that I felt that way. He got a sad look in his eyes and blew me a kiss. He is not a man of many words, unless it is to make you laugh! This morning, when he got back from the gym, he told me he loved me. He NEVER does that.

Not sure how I am going to rid that voice in my head, but I think knowing some of the root of the words, has to help some, right?


Laura said...

Yes it will! I just went through, still am, 6 months of dealing more with the inner voice than my weight. It is hard, painful, you REALLY have to look inside; BUT worth it beyond measure. I promise.

Amy said...

That is Satan attacking pure and simple...God loves you, created you, and created your hubby for you and you for him! We've all got those voices of Satan that tell us lies. It's the same with believing that God loves us in spite of ourselves.